I used to write, a lot, and it was something I truly loved to do. I wrote about my life and my experiences, which was so therapeutic for me and it was fun to be able to share that with others. As much as I loved that pastime, for some reason it fell to the wayside over the past decade; but tonight, I'm feeling the need to let it flow through me, just as it used to.
Two and a half years ago, I parted ways with my husband whom I was with for 7 beautiful, challenging, adventurous and memorable years. It would be an impossible task to summarize what the journey of divorce has been like for me, but for some reason I'm feeling the urge to try.
At first, what I felt was denial. Denial that something so special could end. Denial that someone that I loved so much could leave me. Denial that I was even experiencing pain and hurt. And most importantly, denial that I could continue forward alone.
I spent quite a few months in this stage, jumping from relationship to relationship, trying to unconsciously replicate what my partner and I had created together. And when I was not able to do that....I felt a sense of betrayal, loss and desperation for an immediate solution to my pain. Looking back on that time, it's as if I was separate from myself in some way, moving aimlessly towards an endpoint that wasn't even clearly defined.
After many failed attempts at replacing what I had, I buried myself in work. I decided to focus my attention on something other than the loss, because then....it didn't hurt as badly. I ended up finding a job that I liked and even got promoted to a position that paid more than I had ever made in my life. I was so proud of myself and felt like I had "made it" (whatever that even means). Throughout my marriage, the focus had been on my partner's career and he was going to be the bread winner, so this job was such a huge accomplishment to have achieved on my own.
As much as I learned from this position, how independent I had become, how much I grew and how proud I was of myself, what I didn't realize was that by burying myself in this job I was no longer present. I was distracted from the simple pleasures of life: I was stressed, completely overwhelmed and in all honesty, I had become a part of the "rat race" that we can so easy to fall into. I no longer felt things, almost as if I was numb. I hardly laughed, which is a character trait I have always been known for (for God's sakes, I used to get banished to the corner in elementary school for laughing too much!) I would come home from work and immediately crash on the couch with no physical, emotional or mental energy to spare. Throughout most of that time, I kept telling myself that it was normal, that in order to "make it", this was the sacrifice. But, it got to the point where I could no longer put my own health second.
I recently chose to resign from that position for various reasons and have found something that does not suck the life out of me; for the first time in what seems like an eternity, I am at peace. I think the reason that I feel so compelled to write this tonight is because today.....it was as if my armor fell and I actually felt something. Today, I truly felt the emotion behind some of my favorite songs and I actually took the time to listen to the lyrics; I felt the wind blowing past my car window and allowed myself to enjoy being alive; I was truly moved while watching a movie and shed actual tears onto my friends shoulder; and for the first time in years, I experienced a joyful nostalgia while reminiscing on my life's best memories.
All of this being said and as painful as the experience of divorce was (and is), I cannot be more grateful to have been through something so hard. Yes, it still hurts. Yes, I still have rough days. But, without it, I would not be the person I am today, and I think we can ALL say that about the challenging experiences we have been through. In the moment, life can seem truly impossible but what we don't realize is that in each and every moment we are creating a better version of ourselves <3
