I have always had attachment issues, from a very very young age. My mother says that I absolutely could not be alone as a child and I constantly needed to have someone with me, playing with me. I was extremely jealous when my sister was born because my parents no longer had as much time to spend with me. As I got older, I would repeatedly cling to one single friend and depend on that person for a sense of security. We would become attached at the hip and I would feel abandoned if that person became closer with someone else. As I got even older, this turned into needing a relationship all the time in order to feel whole. It’s been a lifelong journey of needing others, attaching to others….even if those people were terrible for me and caused me mental anguish. Apparently the mental anguish was better than being alone.
After my divorce 4 years ago, my attachment issues got exponentially worse. I felt so devastated and alone that I grasped onto anything I could get when it came to human connection. I was addicted to finding someone that would fix my broken heart, but no one was able to do that. No one could do that but ME.
After a series of toxic relationships and mental health breakdowns, I finally took charge and decided I just couldnt live that way any longer. I began seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with a variety of things and got me on appropriate medication. This began to help, but I still felt a strong need for others and depended on them for my sense of well being.
My mother has been in therapy for many many years and recommended that I try something called IFS (Internal Family Systems). At this point I was willing to try anything and by a twist of fate, an incredible woman in Moab provided that method of therapy and she also took my insurance, which was one of the biggest hurdles for me in getting the help that I needed. I’ve been going for about 6 months now and I am absolutely astounded at the change within me.
IFS addresses issues from your childhood, specific events that shape and form who you are. You go back in time, in a bit of a meditative state, and you talk to your former self. You learn more about that person and why they felt the way they felt. You learn about why you may have developed specific patterns, and how to nurture all of the different parts of yourself. It’s self love, acceptance and understanding of why you have become who you are today.
After addressing the events that shaped me, I can't explain how different I feel. For the first time in my life, I feel like I truly do not need a relationship. I don't want or need someone else in my space all the time. I like me. I am looking out for me. I look in the mirror and I love me. I've been going on dates but I leave feeling overwhelmed and just want to be alone. Alone! It’s actually one of the wildest experiences, to change so drastically that I’m not quite sure how to process it yet. It’s both confusion and pure joy at the same time.
This post is not only for me to express what I’ve been through, but hopefully to let others know that it is possible to heal. It takes work, the desire to change and the hope that it’ll happen. I am beside myself with gratitude for how far I have come, for the practitioners who have helped me and for my own willingness and strength to get through it all. Mental health is something that we all struggle with in some way or another and is part of the human condition. I’ve decided to let go of any shame associated with that, and you should too. We’re all in this together and I’m rooting for anyone who is on this journey. You can do this. So much love!! 💜
