Video Chats and Magic Hats (okay fine, no Magic Hats involved)

I am in hysterics, as I just had a video chat with Douglas Greer. For those of you that know Doug, I assume you can understand why this would be hilarious. He has a mustache, and he was picking his nose. We spoke of 9 nipples and inside-out wetsuits.

I also had a video chat with my sister, where I couldn't see her but she could see me (and Bellina). We decided it would be funny if I walked into the other room and showed her a video of Dad sleeping; so in I walked, laughing, with bellina in tow. He stirred and said, instead of any anger towards being woken up, "and WHO is on the other end of this?" as he stared straight into the camera, all groggy eyed. The first thing he asked Kristen was "the internets working? are you using a cord? or is it wireless? where are you? in my office? did mom fix it?". Honestly, WHO wakes up at 12:30am after being asleep and has such in depth questions to ask somebody over a computer video chat?

Anyway, I found a place to live today!! In a house with 3 other roommates, another dog, and a backyard for them to play in. I am very excited : ) And I start work at Starbucks on wednesday. Life is finally becoming a little more interesting. I am also happy because Lynde is flying out here for New Years!!! Yayyyyy. An actual New Years plan!! It's been a few years since I've done something other than sit at home, or fall asleep before midnight :)

on the edge of tears

It's almost 2 am, i have a massive headache and cannot sleep. I am finding myself on the edge of tears and cannot seem to cry. I am just waiting for the pain to subside, for my discomfort and regret to just leave me. I miss being comfortable, I miss sharing a bed. I miss having pots and pans, a place to come home to; someone to come home to. I miss ordering in, riding our bikes around the block, playing yahtzee. God I just miss it and know that I left for a reason, just can't seem to get past that. I know I left because I wanted more; i want more. But what is more? Is it someone better suited for me, adventure? Something less restricting at my age? I think it's all of those things, I just wish I was 40 and I was okay with that situation and can just go back. I am so lonely and scared and worried that I won't find someone that gets me so well.

But now, he's gone.

before i die

Here is a list that I will be adding to of things I want to do before I die:

1) Learn to lead climb
2) Buy a speed boat so I can slalom ski whenever I please
3) Go on vacation with a bunch of friends to somewhere majestic (Greece, New Zealand, Hawaii)
4) Adopt a child
5) Get a Degree (I don't care what it is at this point)
6) Work on a cruise ship
7) Scuba dive
8) Run a marathon
9) Swim with dolphins
10) Live in a different country

reality is more exciting than "happily ever after"

Just watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy. GOD I love that show, despite the fact that I can't marry Patrick Dempsey. One of the things said was "reality is more exciting than happily ever after" and I would have to agree. Sadly, I can't see myself settling down. I feel like I would always wonder what other things would be like, other places, other people, other jobs...I don't know if I could be the happily married mother of 3 kids. I always thought that's what I would be, but now that I have tried the whole living with the boyfriend deal, I am scared to death that I won't be able to do it again. It was great, don't get me wrong, but I ended up leaving. And maybe that's because I'm 22 and curious and confused; I hope that's it. I truly want to find that one person that I couldn't leave, I couldn't imagine my life without (not in the creepy co-dependent way, but the "i'm so happy with you theres nobody else out there" way). But is that real? Or is it just a fairy tale that we've made up to make ourselves feel better? I guess only time will tell.

On a less provacative note- today I twisted my ankle again, the same ankle that a drunk dude fell on; so now it feels even worse. Whatever. I went to see Charlotte's play tonight and I loved it. It was called Grimm Tales; the stories closer to the real thing, rather than the "disney" versions. More real, less fantasy. Being there really made me miss high school and how truly simple it was compared to now. There were al these high schlool kids there laughing, holding hands with their newest boyfriends, gossiping... I miss having such a simple life where every day is planned out. School, practice, home, dinner, sleep. I miss being so innocent and naive and wide eyed about what's to come. Now I just feel lost. I really miss NH right now and the idea of snow and christmas time. I'm worried I won't be able to afford coming home for christmas :*( I NEED to be home for christmas...it's just not right being away! I'll work on that.

Good things about today:

The play.
Chocolate chip cookies.
Grey's.
Sleeping in.
It was beautiful outside.
Looked at the stars.

what the hell is life about anyway?

Recently I've been wondering why I am here. What is the point of life? I guess I've always thought of life as a means to grow, learn, becoming a better person, move onto the next challenge. But I'm just so confused lately that I don't really know what to think anymore. Here I am, completely lost in California without a degree or any idea about what I want to do with my life. I mean, I have some ideas but nothing really sticks out in my mind. Not to mention that I can't afford to go to a four year college. I suppose I could go part time while working full time and just work for it, even though it would take much longer. That brings me to a problem that I have. I have always dealt with the feeling that I am waiting for my life to start, when really...this is my life, right now. The daily bullshit, boredom, fights, confusion, stop lights, random conversations with strangers...but I just can't accept that THIS is my life. I'm getting there, I guess...but still I find myself "waiting" for what's to come. If I keep that up, I'm going to be waiting my entire life for my life to start, which doesn't make any sense. I am hoping that writing every day is going to help me realize what life's about. If anyone has any suggestions on how to live day to day, I'd love to hear them!

Good things about today:

I got to watch Belle have a blast at the park.
Reading my book.
Hearing from an old friend (thanks Alex :) )
Beautiful weather.
Lane's cat actually letting me pet her.
& ... I ate Mike & Ikes.