pixie dust

when i was little i used to go outside at dusk with pixie dust (handfuls of sand from the backyard) and call for peter pan to come and take me away to never never land. i'd sprinkle the pixie dust over my head and wish for him to appear in the sky. my mom loves to remind me of this. lately i feel like that little girl again, wishing for someone to come and take me away where nothing hurts anymore, where i don't have to feel disappointed or alone, and where nobody can break my heart.

gone west

Together so long; now it's over and I have disappeared.
Not only from your house, from the state, but from your mind.
I called, I wrote, I needed you, and I waited for days.
You let me down.

"Best friends", you said, "we were always better friends anyway".
And I believed you.
You can erase the title; you can erase my picture and my things and my scent,
You can throw it all away: all of the things I left behind,
You can vaccum up all of the atoms of our love,
But you will never be able to rid yourself of us, not completely.
Someday when you're the one discouraged and alone and feeling unloved, you'll need to hear the voice of the girl who loved you most;
But she will be gone.
Two thousand miles west now, even further from your heart;
I only wish you had answered.

oh, the misery

i'm struggling to keep a smile on my face lately. i was so happy, so excited about being somewhere new and starting over again....but then life got in the way. daily drama, death, frustration, disappointment, missing home, and being hurt by someone i loved for so long. it all caught up with me today and i feel so alone in it. i know i'm not, i know i have so many wonderful people in my life; it's just so hard not to feel alone in your own sadness and grief. i just need to get through this and then i'll have another happy streak, right? i know that i wouldn't feel happiness without the misery, but that optimistic viewpoint doesn't sit well with me while i'm serving coffee with a fake smile, really just wanting to thrown down my apron and bolt out the double doors.

i honestly don't know what i would do without my dog. she's always here when i come home, all excited and cute and it makes me feel better just seeing her tail wag. i know it's cheesy, but really....who doesn't smile when they see an excited dog? and when i'm sad, she knows it and she sits on my lap while i cry. i am so thankful for her : ) (even though she's stinky)

just a passing

i'd like to think that death isn't a goodbye; that it's just a "see ya later" or "i'm going away for a while". i just feel numb, it doesn't feel real that someone i've known forever is gone. so i'm going to have to believe that they're not gone and they're just somewhere else...an arms length away, a bit out of reach.


see you soon Matt.

seating arrangements

when you're choosing a seat in a movie theatre there's an unwritten rule that most people adhere to: you do not sit directly next to someone unless absolutely necessary. it's just common courtesy. this rule also applies in other public places for example : buses, benches, or sports events. at the movie this evening, it seemed that the gentlemen in the suit carrying a plastic shopping bag either forgot this social rule wasn't properly informed. either way, he proceeded to sit directly next to me when there were clearly other seats open; actually, more than half of the theatre was empty and available for him to sit down and enjoy the movie. dumbfounded, i sat and contemplated the situation until i realized that i would not be able to sit through the entire movie seated next to someone who would make such a radical social error. so, kristen and i motioned to eachother and announced (to no one in particular) that we had to use the restroom where we then discussed who on EARTH would do such a thing and how it made us feel, as strong as the word may be....violated.