Some of you may know that I have been dealing with extreme neck and back pain for the past 10 years; pain that I have become pretty good at hiding when I needed to. This pain has come along with a plethora of other daily symptoms like migraines, fatigue, body pain, hot flashes, blurry vision, ocd, adhd and depression, dizziness, achy muscles/joints and extreme brain fog. Needless to say, that list is not all encompassing (and who knows if they are related to the neck pain). But, regardless, it has been an absolutely wild journey that cannot be truly explained in one blog post. It's been a journey that has taken a toll on me both physically and mentally as well as affected those that are close to me. Countless doctors and specialists, ER visits, tests, medications, and even surgery... nothing ever seemed to turn up or truly fix the problem. Not to mention the financial burden it has had on me and my family over a decade.
The past 10 years has also consisted of me trying to hide the fact that I wasn't well by: continuing to go to work even though I was in extreme pain, feeling terrible when I had to call out and wondering if my bosses actually believed me, making excuses to my friends as to why I couldn't go and do something because I really just didn't want to explain that my unexplained illness was flaring up, feeling stupid because of the brain fog I was fighting to see through, and driving my ex husband and my mother insane with my constant search for answers. The past 10 years has also been full of anxiety and depression due to the uncertainty and impact of my body dysfunction.
My neck pain has recently gotten significantly worse so I decided to go and see a chiropractor that specializes in the cervical spine (after an old friend of mine mentioned something called "cervical instability"....thank you to Aluna). It turns out that my C1 and C2 are out of alignment. I also have disc degeneration, osteoarthritis, bone spurs and a potential herniated disc for which they have ordered an MRI. All of these things have clearly stemmed from my participation and passion for sports, having multiple falls as well as one very bad fall directly onto my neck back in 2011.
Honestly, I do feel a bit validated right now after hearing all of this information. It's the "SEE! I told you so!" feeling; the "I haven't been making this up just for attention" feeling. But then there's also the fear...you know, that nagging little feeling that there's no fix, the "what if I need surgery?" question or the worry that it's not the main cause of all my symptoms and I will be left searching for the rest of my days. Thankfully, despite those fears, it's the overwhelming sense of relief and gratitude that I want to hold onto right now. The gratitude to my parents for sticking by me all this time and for supporting me through it all, and the gratitude to my absolutely incredible partner for falling in love with me despite all of my pain.
The picture below is really how I'm feeling right now; sitting in silence and looking out at all of the things I've done in my 36 years of life. The sports that I played starting at age 7, my adventurous spirit that led me to rock climbing and highlining; all of the things that brought me to life but that in turn contributed to my injuries and where I sit now. I could have chosen a more conventional life and avoided a lot of this. And so the question remains: would I do it all again? As Garth Brooks sings, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.
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