I’ve been having a really hard month as many of you know. And to those of you who have gone out of your way to check on me, I am honestly filled with gratitude and love and I cannot express how much it has helped me through all of the insanity.
Because I believe vulnerability is strength and only connects us all to one another, I’ve chosen to share what I’ve been going through. This isn’t easy to share, but due to covert verbal and psychological abuse by my boyfriend that I was not truly cognizant of (and honestly I'm not even sure he was cognizant of), I had a panic attack that left me uncontrollably hyperventilating for 25 minutes. I proceeded to experience a full blown mental breakdown where I made some very poor decisions that could have been catastrophic. Despite my brainwashed desire to stick around in the relationship, I chose to break up with him to preserve my sanity and well being, which led me to move back to NH (this is all after giving up my apartment and moving all of my stuff to Massachusetts only a few months ago). In the midst of all of this, I started a new job and had to travel to a different place for a week to train for it by myself while in an extremely fragile mental state. All I wanted was to be under the covers somewhere safe. I was also in my sisters wedding, which was emotionally overwhelming given my circumstances. The fact I am still here right now with a smile on my face is actually quite shocking given that I was pushed to the end of a rapidly fraying rope.
All of that aside, the whole point of this post right now is not about pity or complaining about everything that happened, because life dishes these things out to everyone and I am not special or unique: it’s about the fact that I am actually okay today. I have been doing absolutely everything in my power to get through this and so, I’m slowly getting there.
On my long commutes to Massachusetts I’m listening to an incredible self-healing podcast by The Holistic Psychologist that has been truly eye opening and is helping me access parts of my mind that I haven’t accessed before. I’ve been working with a psychiatrist to manage my mental health and found out I’ve been misdiagnosed my entire life; this is amazing because now I can take steps to heal in a way that will actually work for me. I’ve been journaling. I’ve been breathing and meditating. I’ve continued to stay sober from alcohol and have joined various support groups. I’ve been talking with friends and family and started a daily gratitude journal. All I can say is that when you chose to face yourself, take a long hard look in the mirror and actually do the work, you start to see results. I’m nowhere near where I want to be yet, but I’m slowly but surely moving in that direction. I wake up in the morning feeling a sense of peace that hasn’t been there before, and that’s progress.
I think that I actually, truly, hit rock bottom for the first time in my life and it forced me to face all of the things I’ve been running from for decades. There’s clearly a reason that I attracted and stayed with someone who was treating me in a way that was less than what I deserve; it’s time to heal my inner wounds so that I can first and foremost, love myself unconditionally without the need for anyone else to tell me that I’m worthy. I am finding that each day that passes, the more I trust myself and the more I feel comfortable in my own company. I have so much hope regarding my healing and my future and I hope that by sharing this, there can be hope for anyone else struggling with any type of abuse or mental health issues. Honestly this is the most vulnerable I have been yet in all of the writing I have shared over the years, so thank you for reading it.
