The last thing you ever bought me Was a beige and fuzzy vest I put it in the dryer And it turned into a matted mess
I spent hours and hours
Combing out the tousled furr
Hoping I could mend what was burnt and tangled
But that’s exactly what we were
I cried and cried and I didn’t know why
This immaterial vest was no longer new
And it would never look the same
As the day I received it from you
Sitting on that thin and wobbly line, I had never felt so frightened and alone. Purely existing in that immense quiet, listening to my own slow breath, I wasn’t sure that what I was attempting was even possible for someone like me. Standing up and falling too many times to count, feeling the sharp line tear at my legs and palms as I caught the line, I felt defeat but also a silent power emanating from the last light. I knew somewhere deep inside of me that I actually did have the strength. I made the choice to stand up proudly, standing taller than anyone in that valley. My first steps were shaky and a light breeze blew past my grimaced face. Focusing solely on a freshly bloomed flower on the opposite cliffside, step by step, I slowly traversed the longest 70 feet I had ever walked. My eyes glued to that new life, I sensed a new life within me too.
East coast and west coast and everywhere in between,
It was only a matter of time before I would want to leave
Taught from birth that when things got tough,
The best thing to do was to leave things in the dust
Sometimes I feel more like a bird than a person,
Wondering what it would have been like to have stayed by the ocean
Instead, soaring from place to place
Seeking newness, adventure and a new smiling face
Observing those with families and kids,
Sitting inside their white picket fence
I can’t help but think they're more like trees,
Roots buried so deep, they could never leave
The lessons learned and the hearts that were broken,
I wouldn’t trade it for any golden token
This place and that place and her and him,
I wouldn’t be me without all of them
All of the people and all of the places,
I will never forget the countless faces
And perhaps roots are different for us,
Less about grounding and more about love
I used to write, a lot, and it was something I truly loved to do. I wrote about my life and my experiences, which was so therapeutic for me and it was fun to be able to share that with others. As much as I loved that pastime, for some reason it fell to the wayside over the past decade; but tonight, I'm feeling the need to let it flow through me, just as it used to.
Two and a half years ago, I parted ways with my husband whom I was with for 7 beautiful, challenging, adventurous and memorable years. It would be an impossible task to summarize what the journey of divorce has been like for me, but for some reason I'm feeling the urge to try.
At first, what I felt was denial. Denial that something so special could end. Denial that someone that I loved so much could leave me. Denial that I was even experiencing pain and hurt. And most importantly, denial that I could continue forward alone.
I spent quite a few months in this stage, jumping from relationship to relationship, trying to unconsciously replicate what my partner and I had created together. And when I was not able to do that....I felt a sense of betrayal, loss and desperation for an immediate solution to my pain. Looking back on that time, it's as if I was separate from myself in some way, moving aimlessly towards an endpoint that wasn't even clearly defined.
After many failed attempts at replacing what I had, I buried myself in work. I decided to focus my attention on something other than the loss, because then....it didn't hurt as badly. I ended up finding a job that I liked and even got promoted to a position that paid more than I had ever made in my life. I was so proud of myself and felt like I had "made it" (whatever that even means). Throughout my marriage, the focus had been on my partner's career and he was going to be the bread winner, so this job was such a huge accomplishment to have achieved on my own.
As much as I learned from this position, how independent I had become, how much I grew and how proud I was of myself, what I didn't realize was that by burying myself in this job I was no longer present. I was distracted from the simple pleasures of life: I was stressed, completely overwhelmed and in all honesty, I had become a part of the "rat race" that we can so easy to fall into. I no longer felt things, almost as if I was numb. I hardly laughed, which is a character trait I have always been known for (for God's sakes, I used to get banished to the corner in elementary school for laughing too much!) I would come home from work and immediately crash on the couch with no physical, emotional or mental energy to spare. Throughout most of that time, I kept telling myself that it was normal, that in order to "make it", this was the sacrifice. But, it got to the point where I could no longer put my own health second.
I recently chose to resign from that position for various reasons and have found something that does not suck the life out of me; for the first time in what seems like an eternity, I am at peace. I think the reason that I feel so compelled to write this tonight is because today.....it was as if my armor fell and I actually felt something. Today, I truly felt the emotion behind some of my favorite songs and I actually took the time to listen to the lyrics; I felt the wind blowing past my car window and allowed myself to enjoy being alive; I was truly moved while watching a movie and shed actual tears onto my friends shoulder; and for the first time in years, I experienced a joyful nostalgia while reminiscing on my life's best memories.
All of this being said and as painful as the experience of divorce was (and is), I cannot be more grateful to have been through something so hard. Yes, it still hurts. Yes, I still have rough days. But, without it, I would not be the person I am today, and I think we can ALL say that about the challenging experiences we have been through. In the moment, life can seem truly impossible but what we don't realize is that in each and every moment we are creating a better version of ourselves <3