oh, the misery

i'm struggling to keep a smile on my face lately. i was so happy, so excited about being somewhere new and starting over again....but then life got in the way. daily drama, death, frustration, disappointment, missing home, and being hurt by someone i loved for so long. it all caught up with me today and i feel so alone in it. i know i'm not, i know i have so many wonderful people in my life; it's just so hard not to feel alone in your own sadness and grief. i just need to get through this and then i'll have another happy streak, right? i know that i wouldn't feel happiness without the misery, but that optimistic viewpoint doesn't sit well with me while i'm serving coffee with a fake smile, really just wanting to thrown down my apron and bolt out the double doors.

i honestly don't know what i would do without my dog. she's always here when i come home, all excited and cute and it makes me feel better just seeing her tail wag. i know it's cheesy, but really....who doesn't smile when they see an excited dog? and when i'm sad, she knows it and she sits on my lap while i cry. i am so thankful for her : ) (even though she's stinky)

just a passing

i'd like to think that death isn't a goodbye; that it's just a "see ya later" or "i'm going away for a while". i just feel numb, it doesn't feel real that someone i've known forever is gone. so i'm going to have to believe that they're not gone and they're just somewhere else...an arms length away, a bit out of reach.


see you soon Matt.

seating arrangements

when you're choosing a seat in a movie theatre there's an unwritten rule that most people adhere to: you do not sit directly next to someone unless absolutely necessary. it's just common courtesy. this rule also applies in other public places for example : buses, benches, or sports events. at the movie this evening, it seemed that the gentlemen in the suit carrying a plastic shopping bag either forgot this social rule wasn't properly informed. either way, he proceeded to sit directly next to me when there were clearly other seats open; actually, more than half of the theatre was empty and available for him to sit down and enjoy the movie. dumbfounded, i sat and contemplated the situation until i realized that i would not be able to sit through the entire movie seated next to someone who would make such a radical social error. so, kristen and i motioned to eachother and announced (to no one in particular) that we had to use the restroom where we then discussed who on EARTH would do such a thing and how it made us feel, as strong as the word may be....violated.

wherever i go, there i am

when i'm lonely i eat and i shop. i've been doing both. the past week has been rough, realizing that not being in a relationship is harder than i expected. i can't seem to fill the void within me and i need to learn how to do that without needing another person to fill it for me. i know i can be alone and not need to be searching for someone to make me feel whole; to make me feel loved. i just need to trust that and start filling that void with other things and other people in my life, not necessarily someone romantic.

i am disappointed that i won't be going home for christmas. no snow?! i don't know what i am going to do! i also signed up to work on christmas, which i did so that i'd be distracted from not being in new hampshire. i guess it's time to move on. things aren't the same anymore, no sense in pretending. i've gotta start my life out here and accept that nothing lasts forever and to enjoy the memories! why is it that when i think of a great memory, i feel sad? shouldn't i feel happy that it happened and not sad that it's gone? such a strange feeling; i guess it wouldn't be the same if there wasn't that sadness. recently i've been missing the way that it feels in new hampshire during the fall with the leaves falling and blowing around in the wind, the chill and the need for a hat and gloves and the anticipation of the first snow. i've also been missing georgia and riding my bike to work everyday and being stable and settled. someday though, i'll miss this house i'm in now and this town and these people. that's why i should embrace every second.

things to enjoy everyday:

- how crazy customers can be.
- music.
- belle's excitement when i come home from work and her stinky breath.
- my roommates and the silly things we laugh about!
- soy latte's.
- reading.
- lunch breaks.
- smiles
- LAUGHING (said in very loud, monotone voice)
- best of craigslist
- memories
- friends (even if they're far away)
- people




some friends that i miss and would like for them to know i am thinking of them! *and some fun memories we had as well*.....


snoopie clendenin - "mmmmmeyum meyum meyum" = best noise in the whole world and riding around on the gator during work crew (specifically dropping a chair, not realizing it, and then noticing that george drove AROUND it, through trees, instead of getting out and picking it up)

lynde leigh brown - drinking during work crew down on the beach, you mooning julia, and you and i picking up a snake and throwing the poor thing around! OH, and me using your ID when you were at the same table as me at pat's pizza.

toenails patronick - snoop and i jumping on you in the morning during work crew and your reply "thanks, pricks"....and brad thinking that your head bobbing around in the water was a puppy dog. OH and when i almost ran that red light in manch-vegas.

jenelle prince - "the lost world"....the game we made up when we were twelve....and "sten"....the word we made up when we thought we were super cool 5th graders. and my dad driving you to UNH and singing some weird song to you on the way.

ashton dasey - peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, "with panache", being smashed on public property...drinking wine in the dorm room and playing cranium by ourselves, driving around in your convertible with fuzzy hoods on blasting baba o'reilly.

julia held- you dancing to gwen stefani on your crutches, the halloween party and all that ensued, and getting told we were UGLY BITCHES by a homeless woman.

melvin lloyd - my mom PAID for those peanuts, "reminds me of nam", and snowboarding and somehow an elastic attaching our snowboards while on the chairlift, causing us to fall over when we got off.

reshaun parks - going to see puppies at the store and laughing hysterically all the time, and that dream that a friend had of you and you were mufasa from the lion king in the clouds.

janna barton - contra dancing, gross lunch at brevard cafeteria everday, and our weekly trip to the rock gym :)