life is insane. i swear it gets harder and harder by the minute. when i was a kid, i never would have imagined the difficulty that i would go through. just the everyday stuff is hard, like sitting in traffic when you're already late, waking up and realizing that theres no more milk for breakfast, having to smile at someone even though you're in a terrible mood. then there are the bigger things like not being able to make rent without sacrificing something big, like food. or, you're dog gets sick and you have to pay 100 bucks just to have her seen by a vet, you find out your parents are selling the house, you've gained five pounds. or the huge things like, you can no longer afford crucial medication that keeps you sane, you're friend tragically died in an accident and you can't afford to make the funeral.
but then there are the everyday things that make you smile like seeing a little girl hold her mothers hand across the street, feeling the breeze on your face as you walk, meeting someone new, laughing hysterically with a friend, or hearing your favorite song on the radio. the big things like winning a contest, getting a compliment, hearing that your best friend is engaged, or that you got your dream job. and then the biggset things of all, like falling in love, seeing the sunset from the top of a mountain, accomplishing a goal or even realizing that after all, life is just a big game of ups and downs and learning how to handle them is the greatest test of them all.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
new eyes
it's so hot in california right now, i can't believe it! i haven't sweat like this in a while. it's nice though, summer is almost here! officially! i am loving california and don't think i ever plan on leaving (which is weird for me because i have moved SO much). it kind of excites me that i've found a place i really like and feel comfortable with.
as for life in general, i've met someone that has really opened my eyes to living in the moment. i've always been a very happy person, but never really understood how to live like it was my last day. or to do things just for the hell of it. or to try things that scare me to the point of shaking. all of these things have opened my eyes to a new way of life and i am loving it! i feel more free, more open to possibilities and my brain is more willing to wander instead of just living day to day with the same old thing over and over again.
i used to be pretty philosophical and for some reason over the past few years i stopped thinking about the meaning of things. lately, i've started wondering again and it's so refreshing! almost anything sparks a thought about the origins of life, why we're here, if everything is truly connected in an uncomprehensable way. it's like everything has color again. i am so grateful :)
thanks andy.
as for life in general, i've met someone that has really opened my eyes to living in the moment. i've always been a very happy person, but never really understood how to live like it was my last day. or to do things just for the hell of it. or to try things that scare me to the point of shaking. all of these things have opened my eyes to a new way of life and i am loving it! i feel more free, more open to possibilities and my brain is more willing to wander instead of just living day to day with the same old thing over and over again.
i used to be pretty philosophical and for some reason over the past few years i stopped thinking about the meaning of things. lately, i've started wondering again and it's so refreshing! almost anything sparks a thought about the origins of life, why we're here, if everything is truly connected in an uncomprehensable way. it's like everything has color again. i am so grateful :)
thanks andy.
the uncomfortable survey
THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY
(Lets see if you can get through it. If not, then you're too scared about your past.)
-Longest relationship: a year and four months
-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you?: five
-How many of them meant it when they said they loved you? two
-Have you ever thought you were going to marry the person you were with?: yes
-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? definitely
-Have you ever made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? yes
-Are you happier single or in a relationship? it depends
-Have you ever been cheated on? not that i am aware of
-Have you ever had your heart broken? i'm going to go with a hell YES
-Have you ever broken someone's heart? i think i have
-Talk to any of your ex's? on occasion
-Think any of your ex's still feel the same way they did about you when you were dating? don't think so
-Do you think you are a good boyfriend/girlfriend? i try my darndest
-Ever dated someone that wasn't good to you? a few times, yes.
-Have you dated someone older than you? yes
-Dated someone younger than you? yes but only by a year :)
-Do you regret anything that you have or haven't done with a boyfriend/girlfriend? of course i have regrets, but i try not to let them hinder my life
-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? absolutely
-Believe in love at first sight? no, i believe in lust at first sight, or a familiar feeling. but not love.
-Ever been given an engagement ring? no
-Do you have something to say to any of your ex's? no not really
-Ever stolen someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend? yes, but that's life. i'm sure i've had a boyfriend stolen from me as well.
-Ever liked someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend? yep.
-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? oh yes. worst feeling besides being tattooed, or falling on your tailbone. or being hit in the nose with a soccer ball.
LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE.
Name: Emily
Birth Date: July 23rd
Current Location: El Cerrito CA
Hair Color: very dark brown
Righty/Lefty: righty
LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fears: not finding what it is that i am meant to find in life, being lonely, losing someone i love
Your dream of the perfect date: there are many perfect date scenerios
Goal you'd like to achieve: i'd like to feel content with just me, no material posessions, nobody else, just me.
Your best friend: Jenelle Prince
LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: my throat hurts too kristen!
Your best physical feature: i like my eyes
Your bed time: whenever i'm tired, usually 11 or 12
Your most missed memory: first year as a camp counselor (2005)
LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: COKE
McDonald's or Burger King: neither i like wendys :)
Single or Group Dates: single dates
Adidas or Nike: adidas because i used to wear the sambas all the time
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate everything, except for lattes. i like vanilla lattes.
Cappuccino or Coffee: cappuccino please.
LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Cuss: yes
Take showers: of course
Have a crush: yes :)
Like school: yes but i'm over it for now
Believe in yourself: i do
Believe what goes around comes around: with all my heart
Believe everything happens for a reason: yes, i believe that.
Think you're a health freak: yeah in a way.
LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH.
Gone to the mall: no
Been on stage: if you count slacklining in front of tons of people then yes
Eaten sushi: ew no
Been hurt: yes
Dyed your hair: nope
LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: haha yes
Kissed the same sex: yeah
Got beaten up: i've been hit
Changed who you were to fit in: no, or at least i've tried not to do that
LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you're hoping to be married by: i don't believe in marriage
Number of kids you're planning on having: who knows!
LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: blue
Best hair color: dark brown
Short or long hair: long-ish
Fat or fit: fit
Looks or personality: personality is more important but looks don't hurt
Fun or serious: FUN
LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: answering the phone
1 HOUR AGO: sitting at the front desk
1 WEEK AGO: missing someone
1 YEAR AGO: working at a doggie place.
LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: content
I HATE: being sick
I HIDE: my anxiety
I NEED: the sunshine
I LOVE: my dog
I WANT: to reach my goal of walking the spire this summer
(Lets see if you can get through it. If not, then you're too scared about your past.)
-Longest relationship: a year and four months
-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you?: five
-How many of them meant it when they said they loved you? two
-Have you ever thought you were going to marry the person you were with?: yes
-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? definitely
-Have you ever made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? yes
-Are you happier single or in a relationship? it depends
-Have you ever been cheated on? not that i am aware of
-Have you ever had your heart broken? i'm going to go with a hell YES
-Have you ever broken someone's heart? i think i have
-Talk to any of your ex's? on occasion
-Think any of your ex's still feel the same way they did about you when you were dating? don't think so
-Do you think you are a good boyfriend/girlfriend? i try my darndest
-Ever dated someone that wasn't good to you? a few times, yes.
-Have you dated someone older than you? yes
-Dated someone younger than you? yes but only by a year :)
-Do you regret anything that you have or haven't done with a boyfriend/girlfriend? of course i have regrets, but i try not to let them hinder my life
-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? absolutely
-Believe in love at first sight? no, i believe in lust at first sight, or a familiar feeling. but not love.
-Ever been given an engagement ring? no
-Do you have something to say to any of your ex's? no not really
-Ever stolen someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend? yes, but that's life. i'm sure i've had a boyfriend stolen from me as well.
-Ever liked someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend? yep.
-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? oh yes. worst feeling besides being tattooed, or falling on your tailbone. or being hit in the nose with a soccer ball.
LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE.
Name: Emily
Birth Date: July 23rd
Current Location: El Cerrito CA
Hair Color: very dark brown
Righty/Lefty: righty
LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fears: not finding what it is that i am meant to find in life, being lonely, losing someone i love
Your dream of the perfect date: there are many perfect date scenerios
Goal you'd like to achieve: i'd like to feel content with just me, no material posessions, nobody else, just me.
Your best friend: Jenelle Prince
LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: my throat hurts too kristen!
Your best physical feature: i like my eyes
Your bed time: whenever i'm tired, usually 11 or 12
Your most missed memory: first year as a camp counselor (2005)
LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: COKE
McDonald's or Burger King: neither i like wendys :)
Single or Group Dates: single dates
Adidas or Nike: adidas because i used to wear the sambas all the time
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate everything, except for lattes. i like vanilla lattes.
Cappuccino or Coffee: cappuccino please.
LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Cuss: yes
Take showers: of course
Have a crush: yes :)
Like school: yes but i'm over it for now
Believe in yourself: i do
Believe what goes around comes around: with all my heart
Believe everything happens for a reason: yes, i believe that.
Think you're a health freak: yeah in a way.
LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH.
Gone to the mall: no
Been on stage: if you count slacklining in front of tons of people then yes
Eaten sushi: ew no
Been hurt: yes
Dyed your hair: nope
LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: haha yes
Kissed the same sex: yeah
Got beaten up: i've been hit
Changed who you were to fit in: no, or at least i've tried not to do that
LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you're hoping to be married by: i don't believe in marriage
Number of kids you're planning on having: who knows!
LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: blue
Best hair color: dark brown
Short or long hair: long-ish
Fat or fit: fit
Looks or personality: personality is more important but looks don't hurt
Fun or serious: FUN
LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: answering the phone
1 HOUR AGO: sitting at the front desk
1 WEEK AGO: missing someone
1 YEAR AGO: working at a doggie place.
LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: content
I HATE: being sick
I HIDE: my anxiety
I NEED: the sunshine
I LOVE: my dog
I WANT: to reach my goal of walking the spire this summer
Monday, April 20, 2009
firsts
hese things kick ass! Everyone's got to do them, c'mon! (i agree, jeff)
1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
Jimi Connolly. first and only prom date.
2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
on occasion.
3. What was your 1st alcoholic drink?
i believe that it was straight rum, new years '04. yes, i waited til i was 17 to drink for the first time....loser!
4. What was your FIRST job?
summer freeze!!!
5. What was your FIRST car?
Jebodiah, a little red beauty. Honda civic hatchback. so many good memories driving to the beach, braving the snow....i truly miss him. he saved my life you know.
6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Jenelle, my newly engaged best friend.
7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
Myself. I'm sick, so clearly I thought to myself "poor, poor me. this sucks"
8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
uhhh. who remembers that type of thing? all those grades mesh together.
9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
I'm going to assume it was when we moved to Texas from Connecticut.
10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
My first best friend was Jenelle Prince, and yes we still talk! We're still best friends.
11. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
At some girl Anna's when I was about 5. I remember she stole my pillow, so i bit her.
12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
well, didn't talk to anyone til about 2 o'clock when i decided to get out of bed. in person, the first person i talked too was erin when she got home at 5. i'm sick people, gimme a break.
13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
i have never been in a wedding, but i am assuming the first wedding i will be in is my best friend Jenelles :)
14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
coughed.
15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
Nsync!!! yeah!!
16. FIRST tattoo?
First and only. Chinese symbol that means strength on my left foot. No, it's not the number 4.
17. First piercing?
Ears when I was 7.
18. First foreign country you've been to?
If Canada counts, then Canada. If not, England.
19. FIRST movie you remember seeing?
Beauty and the Beast, IN THE THEATRE. I remember crying when Gaston went after the beast, I crawled into my Grandmas lap.
20. When was your FIRST detention?
hahah good one. I was walking with my 7th grade glass to this thing called "kids vote". it was winter, and some jerk in my class who shall remain nameless because facebook is totally not secretive, decided to give me a "white wash" (for those of you not from new england, it's when you shove snow into someones face). so, i took it upon myself to throw him into the snow. unfortunately, the teacher only saw my part of the interaction and i got a weeks worth of lunch detentions. the teacher was Mr. Brown. remember him?!?!
21. What was the first state you lived in?
Connecticut
22. Who was your FIRST roommate?
Amanda Nadeau! goodtimes in our freshman dorm room.
23. If you had one wish. What would it be?
That's not a first.
24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?
Well, i am currently working on my spanish. I would also like to learn about why mean people are mean.
25. Who do you think will be the next person to post this?
Toe-nails. do it.
1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
Jimi Connolly. first and only prom date.
2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
on occasion.
3. What was your 1st alcoholic drink?
i believe that it was straight rum, new years '04. yes, i waited til i was 17 to drink for the first time....loser!
4. What was your FIRST job?
summer freeze!!!
5. What was your FIRST car?
Jebodiah, a little red beauty. Honda civic hatchback. so many good memories driving to the beach, braving the snow....i truly miss him. he saved my life you know.
6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Jenelle, my newly engaged best friend.
7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
Myself. I'm sick, so clearly I thought to myself "poor, poor me. this sucks"
8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
uhhh. who remembers that type of thing? all those grades mesh together.
9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
I'm going to assume it was when we moved to Texas from Connecticut.
10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
My first best friend was Jenelle Prince, and yes we still talk! We're still best friends.
11. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
At some girl Anna's when I was about 5. I remember she stole my pillow, so i bit her.
12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
well, didn't talk to anyone til about 2 o'clock when i decided to get out of bed. in person, the first person i talked too was erin when she got home at 5. i'm sick people, gimme a break.
13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
i have never been in a wedding, but i am assuming the first wedding i will be in is my best friend Jenelles :)
14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
coughed.
15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
Nsync!!! yeah!!
16. FIRST tattoo?
First and only. Chinese symbol that means strength on my left foot. No, it's not the number 4.
17. First piercing?
Ears when I was 7.
18. First foreign country you've been to?
If Canada counts, then Canada. If not, England.
19. FIRST movie you remember seeing?
Beauty and the Beast, IN THE THEATRE. I remember crying when Gaston went after the beast, I crawled into my Grandmas lap.
20. When was your FIRST detention?
hahah good one. I was walking with my 7th grade glass to this thing called "kids vote". it was winter, and some jerk in my class who shall remain nameless because facebook is totally not secretive, decided to give me a "white wash" (for those of you not from new england, it's when you shove snow into someones face). so, i took it upon myself to throw him into the snow. unfortunately, the teacher only saw my part of the interaction and i got a weeks worth of lunch detentions. the teacher was Mr. Brown. remember him?!?!
21. What was the first state you lived in?
Connecticut
22. Who was your FIRST roommate?
Amanda Nadeau! goodtimes in our freshman dorm room.
23. If you had one wish. What would it be?
That's not a first.
24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?
Well, i am currently working on my spanish. I would also like to learn about why mean people are mean.
25. Who do you think will be the next person to post this?
Toe-nails. do it.
just for fun
Here's how it works:
1. Open your library
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie about the songs (they can be funny if you just leave them)
1. What's my mood like right now?
Your Song- Ewan McGreggor (Moulin Rouge)
2. How's tomorrow going to be for me?
For You To Notice- Dashboard Confessional
3. What kind of person am I?
Red Oyster Cult- Guster .... I love it!! "If you drink the whole cup, you will never grow up...you will never grow old"
4. Am I loved?
Free of Me- Joshua Radin (doesn't sound promising) ....what i need are more bandages, they've torn over time
5. How can I achieve my highest potential?
Here With Me- Dido
6. What should I do with my life?
Paul- Smoking Popes
7. Is everything really going to be alright in the end?
Dejalo- Rilo Kiley
8. What is my best quality?
The Model- Belle and Sebastian
9. How does my social life look?
Daughters- John Mayer
10. What's the meaning of life?
The Scientist- Johnette Napolitan and Danny Lohner
11. What do people think of me?
The Way I Are- Timbaland
12. Would I make a good lover?
LOVE TODAY- MIKA ( so clearly, yes)
13. How crazy am I?
One of those days- joshua radin
14. Will I have a good life in general?
I'll do anything- jason mraz
15. Can (insert name here) ever really love me?
duncan- delia spirit
16. Can me and (insert name here) ever be more than friends?
turpentine chaser- dashboard confessional
17. What's going to happen to me this week?
white winter hymnal- the fleet foxes
18. Where will I be a year from now?
the winner takes it all- abba
19. What is my fondest wish?
baricade- the stars
20. What is the love of my life doing at this very moment?
rebellion (lies) - arcade fire
21. How did my parents meet?
the good kind- michelle branch
22. How will I die?
the trouble with love is- kelly clarkson
23. What song will be played at my funeral?
when you were young- the killers
24. What will I dream about tonight?
should've said no- taylor swift
25 What should I be working on right now?
just a dream- carrie underwood
26. What's my roommate up to currently?
sore thumb- the format
27. What did I do last weekend?
good friend- plants and animals
28. Describe me?
creepin' up the back stairs- the fratellis
1. Open your library
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie about the songs (they can be funny if you just leave them)
1. What's my mood like right now?
Your Song- Ewan McGreggor (Moulin Rouge)
2. How's tomorrow going to be for me?
For You To Notice- Dashboard Confessional
3. What kind of person am I?
Red Oyster Cult- Guster .... I love it!! "If you drink the whole cup, you will never grow up...you will never grow old"
4. Am I loved?
Free of Me- Joshua Radin (doesn't sound promising) ....what i need are more bandages, they've torn over time
5. How can I achieve my highest potential?
Here With Me- Dido
6. What should I do with my life?
Paul- Smoking Popes
7. Is everything really going to be alright in the end?
Dejalo- Rilo Kiley
8. What is my best quality?
The Model- Belle and Sebastian
9. How does my social life look?
Daughters- John Mayer
10. What's the meaning of life?
The Scientist- Johnette Napolitan and Danny Lohner
11. What do people think of me?
The Way I Are- Timbaland
12. Would I make a good lover?
LOVE TODAY- MIKA ( so clearly, yes)
13. How crazy am I?
One of those days- joshua radin
14. Will I have a good life in general?
I'll do anything- jason mraz
15. Can (insert name here) ever really love me?
duncan- delia spirit
16. Can me and (insert name here) ever be more than friends?
turpentine chaser- dashboard confessional
17. What's going to happen to me this week?
white winter hymnal- the fleet foxes
18. Where will I be a year from now?
the winner takes it all- abba
19. What is my fondest wish?
baricade- the stars
20. What is the love of my life doing at this very moment?
rebellion (lies) - arcade fire
21. How did my parents meet?
the good kind- michelle branch
22. How will I die?
the trouble with love is- kelly clarkson
23. What song will be played at my funeral?
when you were young- the killers
24. What will I dream about tonight?
should've said no- taylor swift
25 What should I be working on right now?
just a dream- carrie underwood
26. What's my roommate up to currently?
sore thumb- the format
27. What did I do last weekend?
good friend- plants and animals
28. Describe me?
creepin' up the back stairs- the fratellis
Sunday, April 19, 2009
where i stood- missy higgins
I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood
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