Video Chats and Magic Hats (okay fine, no Magic Hats involved)

I am in hysterics, as I just had a video chat with Douglas Greer. For those of you that know Doug, I assume you can understand why this would be hilarious. He has a mustache, and he was picking his nose. We spoke of 9 nipples and inside-out wetsuits.

I also had a video chat with my sister, where I couldn't see her but she could see me (and Bellina). We decided it would be funny if I walked into the other room and showed her a video of Dad sleeping; so in I walked, laughing, with bellina in tow. He stirred and said, instead of any anger towards being woken up, "and WHO is on the other end of this?" as he stared straight into the camera, all groggy eyed. The first thing he asked Kristen was "the internets working? are you using a cord? or is it wireless? where are you? in my office? did mom fix it?". Honestly, WHO wakes up at 12:30am after being asleep and has such in depth questions to ask somebody over a computer video chat?

Anyway, I found a place to live today!! In a house with 3 other roommates, another dog, and a backyard for them to play in. I am very excited : ) And I start work at Starbucks on wednesday. Life is finally becoming a little more interesting. I am also happy because Lynde is flying out here for New Years!!! Yayyyyy. An actual New Years plan!! It's been a few years since I've done something other than sit at home, or fall asleep before midnight :)

on the edge of tears

It's almost 2 am, i have a massive headache and cannot sleep. I am finding myself on the edge of tears and cannot seem to cry. I am just waiting for the pain to subside, for my discomfort and regret to just leave me. I miss being comfortable, I miss sharing a bed. I miss having pots and pans, a place to come home to; someone to come home to. I miss ordering in, riding our bikes around the block, playing yahtzee. God I just miss it and know that I left for a reason, just can't seem to get past that. I know I left because I wanted more; i want more. But what is more? Is it someone better suited for me, adventure? Something less restricting at my age? I think it's all of those things, I just wish I was 40 and I was okay with that situation and can just go back. I am so lonely and scared and worried that I won't find someone that gets me so well.

But now, he's gone.

before i die

Here is a list that I will be adding to of things I want to do before I die:

1) Learn to lead climb
2) Buy a speed boat so I can slalom ski whenever I please
3) Go on vacation with a bunch of friends to somewhere majestic (Greece, New Zealand, Hawaii)
4) Adopt a child
5) Get a Degree (I don't care what it is at this point)
6) Work on a cruise ship
7) Scuba dive
8) Run a marathon
9) Swim with dolphins
10) Live in a different country

reality is more exciting than "happily ever after"

Just watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy. GOD I love that show, despite the fact that I can't marry Patrick Dempsey. One of the things said was "reality is more exciting than happily ever after" and I would have to agree. Sadly, I can't see myself settling down. I feel like I would always wonder what other things would be like, other places, other people, other jobs...I don't know if I could be the happily married mother of 3 kids. I always thought that's what I would be, but now that I have tried the whole living with the boyfriend deal, I am scared to death that I won't be able to do it again. It was great, don't get me wrong, but I ended up leaving. And maybe that's because I'm 22 and curious and confused; I hope that's it. I truly want to find that one person that I couldn't leave, I couldn't imagine my life without (not in the creepy co-dependent way, but the "i'm so happy with you theres nobody else out there" way). But is that real? Or is it just a fairy tale that we've made up to make ourselves feel better? I guess only time will tell.

On a less provacative note- today I twisted my ankle again, the same ankle that a drunk dude fell on; so now it feels even worse. Whatever. I went to see Charlotte's play tonight and I loved it. It was called Grimm Tales; the stories closer to the real thing, rather than the "disney" versions. More real, less fantasy. Being there really made me miss high school and how truly simple it was compared to now. There were al these high schlool kids there laughing, holding hands with their newest boyfriends, gossiping... I miss having such a simple life where every day is planned out. School, practice, home, dinner, sleep. I miss being so innocent and naive and wide eyed about what's to come. Now I just feel lost. I really miss NH right now and the idea of snow and christmas time. I'm worried I won't be able to afford coming home for christmas :*( I NEED to be home for christmas...it's just not right being away! I'll work on that.

Good things about today:

The play.
Chocolate chip cookies.
Grey's.
Sleeping in.
It was beautiful outside.
Looked at the stars.

what the hell is life about anyway?

Recently I've been wondering why I am here. What is the point of life? I guess I've always thought of life as a means to grow, learn, becoming a better person, move onto the next challenge. But I'm just so confused lately that I don't really know what to think anymore. Here I am, completely lost in California without a degree or any idea about what I want to do with my life. I mean, I have some ideas but nothing really sticks out in my mind. Not to mention that I can't afford to go to a four year college. I suppose I could go part time while working full time and just work for it, even though it would take much longer. That brings me to a problem that I have. I have always dealt with the feeling that I am waiting for my life to start, when really...this is my life, right now. The daily bullshit, boredom, fights, confusion, stop lights, random conversations with strangers...but I just can't accept that THIS is my life. I'm getting there, I guess...but still I find myself "waiting" for what's to come. If I keep that up, I'm going to be waiting my entire life for my life to start, which doesn't make any sense. I am hoping that writing every day is going to help me realize what life's about. If anyone has any suggestions on how to live day to day, I'd love to hear them!

Good things about today:

I got to watch Belle have a blast at the park.
Reading my book.
Hearing from an old friend (thanks Alex :) )
Beautiful weather.
Lane's cat actually letting me pet her.
& ... I ate Mike & Ikes.

jenelle, don't kill me for the pictures

Cheesy I know...but I must express my love!

I met Jenelle when I was 11 and she was on a sled. I'll leave it at that. We were friends for the year that I lived in Rochester (although we fought all the time over things like little kids clubs called "roxen boxen", whether or not I wore tight jeans, whose little sister was dorkier, etc). We weren't the best of friends then but somehow became that in the years after I moved. She is the one person in the world that I can count on, even if we haven't spoken in months. I just know that no matter what happens, no matter how long it is before we can catch up again, things will be exactly the same. She gets me. I get her. It's a once in a lifetime friend : ) I sometimes wonder if we will ever live near eachother. In the 11 years that we have been friends, one year was spent living in the same town (actually the same street). Otherwise, we've been hours apart and seeing eachother maybe once a year.

Does everyone get that friend? Or am I just lucky? Either way, I am thankful : )

Jenelle I hope you don't hate me for posting these embarassing pics!!

truth or dare

just before i moved my mom asked me what day camps i wanted to go to in concord and i said something along the lines of "mom, i'm not going to any day camps. i'll just be a corner sniffer". jenelle demonstrates.

there are no words for this

dog rules

The dog is not allowed in the house.

Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

The dog can get on the old furniture only.

Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

case and point

inherent know it alls

My Dad is an IK (Inherent Know It All) and it is becoming harder and harder to deal with. I realize that he's "just trying to help" but seriously, you'd think that someone could take a hint that you don't WANT help from them. I am usually very accepting of advice but he is the last person I want advice from. I know he loves me and I know he cares and has all of this knowledge trapped inside of him that he must get out, but I don't want to hear it. I really really really don't; and when I tell him this he just doesn't get it. He never will. He will never understand that people are annoyed and offended by his forceful way of telling people how, when, and where to do things. He has even admitted that he is an IK (his parents are too, so he even know's what its like to be AROUND one), yet he cannot stop. He cannot stop spreading his knowledge, no matter what. He has recently started teaching me how to walk my own dog, which reminds me of the day I picked up lacrosse and he started teaching me how to hold the stick, even though he hadn't even HEARD of the sport before that day. I can remember my Mom's face, looking out the window at her husband, not knowing what could possibly be going through his mind. To those of you who don't know my Dad, I'm sorry if this sounds terrible. But, for those of you that do, PLEASE tell me you get it. I need to feel like I am not crazy for resenting him. I love him. I really do. I just cannot deal with him. I can't.

On the road trip out here he insisted on telling me when to pack my things the night before, when to feed belle, when to take her out, how to pack the car, when to shower, and when to go to bed. Good GOD, how would he feel if I started telling him when to eat his meals or when to bathe? I don't think he'd take it very well. I can see a pretty big problem with that, yet why is it that I have to just take it while he dishes out his bull. I assume this is a common issue with father's. At least I hope it is. He leaves soon, and I am glad. I am also sorry to my poor sister and Mom who will have to take it.

moons and junes and ferris wheels

Both Sides Now- Joni Mitchell, the most emotional, honest & true song I've ever heard. When I'm down I listen to this song and I feel like someone understands. I don't feel so alone. If I could do one thing it would be to write something anyone can relate to, no matter who they are. Like this song.


Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they tell me I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

patrick dempsey is hott

Last night I watched 5 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, and I loved it. I do have one problem though...lifes not like that. Life doesn't make sense, life doesn't give you the answers at the end of each day in a narrated female voice, and everyone isn't fabulously beautiful. I wish it was and I think that's why I like the show so much. As much as I realize it's not real, it brings me to tears every time. Not to mention Patrick Dempsey is the most attractive and fairy-tale like man I have ever laid eyes on.

Belle just tried to jump on the bed and her back legs missed...

Today I was job searching, and I'm pretty sure that I landed a job at Starbucks. Yes, I know Starbucks puts local coffee shops out of business, but hey...the coffee's good and they help give starving kids water. Sorry Walker's, but if I get the job I'm gonna take it. They have benefits. I know I was a part of the Starbucks hatred, but forgive me. I also decided to eat a sit down lunch by myself today First time for everything, right? I'm sittng there reading and the waiter asks me where I'm from and if it's someones birthday (I had a birthday card on the table). I say New Hampshire and yes, my friends are all far away so I'm sending them cards. He goes and gets this girl who went to school in Hooksett (the most hopping town on the east coast I might add). Anyway, she was really nice and understood that I was new to town and asked me to go out in the city. I guess you get rewarded for taking risks!

Enough about guacamole, let's talk about ankles...

So, last night was my last night in Portland with the guys and so we go to this house party. Really fun...darts, beer pong (in which i didnt participate), home brewed beer, good people, etc. I'm outside chatting with this girl Molly about life in general and beside us is a pretty drunk guy leaning up against the fence. All of a sudden, amidst our conversation, he blacks out and falls to the ground, or onto my ankle to be precise, his cigarette flies from his fingers....complete silence. I pause...slap the guy, shake him and no response so I check to see if hes breathing. Yes, he is. Still no response. Call 911. While describing to the lady the location he stirs awake to say I'M OKAY, NO, I'M OKAY. I hand him the phone to tell the 911 chicky he's fine.

Once I leave the scene I realize my ankle is throbbing, pretty severely. The lovely hostess gets me ice and everyone's all "ARE YOU OKAY?! AH, YOUR ANKLES HUGE!" That's when I say the night is pretty much done for me. We head back to Chris' place, I eat puffins, drink some crown royal, ice my now refered to as "cankle" and sleep. Wake up the next morning to find that my ankle is the size of a baseball.

In the morning, Cutsy brings me to the airport and when I get out I realize that I really can't walk. The people give me a wheelchair! I felt so special! I got wheeled to the gate and when I arrived in SF I had a wheelchair waiting for me the second I got off the plane. Now that's the life!

Kinda reminds me of this one time Kristen Renee hurt her ankle. Or maybe it was her toe. It was her birthday, and all her girfriends we're in the living room downstairs. I think she was about 12... She must have needed something upstairs and so she ran up, grabbed what she needed, and because was so dark she freaked out and started to sprint. In her wild fear she slipped down the first step of the stairwell and bounced, on her foot, all the way down to the bottom...crawled into the living room to let everyone know that she was indeed, injured.

Blogging?

So, considering that I have been adventuring across the country and am now kinda lost and aimlessly searching, I thought I'd start blogging. I figure it'll keep me entertained as well as others! Chris Mikes and I were talking about what we would blog about if we did....he would write about how he cant make a container of hummus last longer than two days, and i agree...but with guacamole. It's also intereesting that salsa doesn't fall into that catagory...instead, it lasts forever!

Something I have so share that creeps me out A LOT...I was at the grand canyon with my Dad and my dog and we meet this couple who happen to be from the same hometown as my Dad. We're talking and the woman asks me "so, is that your husband?" OK people. clearly, he is in his mid to late 50's and looks JUST like me. I was offended and didn't tell my dad because i knew it would be extremely awkward to discuss. Then, 2 weeks later we're at the dog park and some lady asks me "is that your boyfriend, or your husband?" Clearly disgusted I tell her NO that's my Dad and she proceeds to walk over to him and TELL him what had happened. We didn't speak about it afterwards. Anyway, I don't know which is worse...someone thinking that your Dad is your husband, or your husband is your Dad....hopefully i'll never experience either one ever, ever again.